... the text for May 10, 2020

Safeguard your heart. - Prov. 4:23

This scripture actually requires serious meditation. I don't do things out of order, so I had to do this day first before moving on.

The comments for this day includes this point:

...his people must guard guard their heart, that is, their thoughts, feelings, and reasonings. ... Jehovah sees beyond a person's outward appearance. He sees what we really are inside. (1 Sam. 16:7)

That covers a lot of territory!  From the smallest things you may believe unimportant to major things. What if you have secret contempt for everyone and everything? Jehovah is aware of it. Maybe you've carefully hidden it away with a carefully crafted public image, and people are clueless. Jehovah knows it, and He expects you to make an effort to get rid of it. Oh, I show contempt because I'm resentful. What does Jehovah say about this? This article will help: Letting Go of Resentment. Oh, but I do a lot of things for my mate or my friends, it makes up for how I truly think about them. Is that the correct view, or the expedient view? Secret, carefully hidden contempt, or any other hidden feelings, such as improper jealousy, hatred, prejudice, still displeases Jehovah.

This scripture above can be applied to more serious things as well. As the text comments illustrate in the case of King David, wicked thoughts can beome wicked actions.

I have had issues with pornography. I have struggled with it for 18 years. There were good periods and bad periods. I consider pornography to be an addiction worse than smoking or alcohol or drugs. In fact, one website on addiction to pornography cites that "9 percent of people who view porn have unsuccessfully tried to stop". They cite a report that was taken in 2002.

I've analyzed why I do it, and it's not easy for me to explain, but it's psychological scarring that occurred in my first marriage.

When I married in 1991, I did love the woman I married. I had believed that marriage is based on mutual support of each other. So, I married her to love her and support her; she married me with a completely other objective. At the end of 10 years of painful, emotionally suffocating, she finally told me why. "I married you because I felt sorry for you. I just wanted you to give me a child. If I had the child, I would have left you anyway." What a way to show a complete lack of concern and love, along with blatantly manipulating a person for their own benefit!

The 10 years weren't all bad. It was good at first. After 4 years of trying to have children, she blamed me for the inability, and instead of showing true love and concern (because she never had it to begin with), she took the contempt and resentment road, constantly barraging me with vicious comments and snide remarks, such as "we might as well not have sex anymore, because you suck." (this from a woman who just laid there with her eyes closed, refusing to interact). Then I got diabetes, which made it worse. Therefore, it's now been 20 years since I've had any sexual intercourse with a woman.

I turned to pornography to show contempt and resentment of my own. I married her to support her, she married me for what I could do for her, and that left me with nothing..

I believe many women marry for the right reason: to love and properly provide support for their mate. To those who marry to get more out of the marriage than what they put in, I say this: Woe to you, and cursed you are.

That probably makes me a woman-hater, and that's partly true. I have suffered a lot, and it will take a long time to feel okay. The new system will correct all this, and I look forward to being completely whole.

So, what do I do in the meantime? I work to safeguard my heart, my thinking and feelings. I have to continue to forget the past, to not remember or reminisce or to miss it. When a thought pops up into my head, I immediately say a prayer to Jehovah, or I turn my thoughts to something useful, like imagining I'm talking to someone about Jehovah and explaining a good point from the Bible.

Bible reading is important, as well as doing a text every day, reviewing talks and videos on jw.org. I also appreciate the proper support of my current wife and the brothers and sisters in the congregation. I review such articles as: Pornography - Harmless or Toxic?

While it is a serious addiction and is linked to behavioral disorders and other psychological issues, it can be overcome. If you struggle with it, it's important to get help. Our loving Father, Jehovah, is indeed "very tender in affection and merciful" and "the God of all comfort." (James 5:11, 2 Cor. 1:3)