... the text for April 25, 2020

They are filled with trouble and sorrow. - Ps. 90:10

About 10 years ago, I had a scheduled suicide to plan. I was living in Sacramento at the time, far away from family and friends. I had even marked the date on the calendar, March 20, 2009,

In the week before this date, I started to make preparations. I went to the store and bought a new garden hose and some strong tape. As the day approached, I took care of whatever business I had to deal with, stopping any services to the house. On that day, I treated myself to a nice dinner, and cooked a good meal for myself.

I had a good job. I had a brand new car after I had just filed for bankruptcy. Yet, I wasn't going to meetings I felt lost, I felt abandoned, I wanted connection, but the places I chose to look were not the right ones.

So, I ate my meal and mentally went through the checklist, and was ready. But, nothing happened. I went to bed and cried myself to sleep.

The following day, I was preparing to leave my house to go o the store, when I saw shadows on my porch. I hesitated before I opened the door. Something slipped through the door jamb. It was a Memorial invitation. I grabbed it and yanked the door open. Two old, black brothers were preparing to turn and go, but they saw me. I said, "When is the next meeting?" They greeted me and told me it was Sunday. I told them I was a brother from southern California that had moved there, and said I would be at the meeting. I kept to my word and did not miss a meeting and gained the friends I needed, three loving elders and many in the congregation, including an older sister who was of the anointed.

Do I still think about suicide? Occasionally. Sometimes, I feel like Job and just want to be in the grave, be done with everything and wait until Jehovah feels like resurrecting me. I feel I want to get away from people who keep hurting me with their half hearted attitude and their professed love that doesn't match their actions, or other people's need to prove that they are superior to me by pointing out my defects or treat me with sneaky contempt, so that when I remark on it, "Whaaat? Me?" As if Jehovah doesn't know.. I'm done! But, the important thing is to maintain the routine and trusting in Jehovah's Word, because it's absolute truth. So when he says he "will act in your behalf" (Ps. 37:5) or "will not forget your work' (Heb. 6:10), you need to believe and know that He will fulfill it in ways you cannot fathom or expect. Never forget that Jehovah truly is the God of comfort.

Stay safe!